a feeling most foreign indeed
i must've talked about this before, but it's not like i've been through anything significantly traumatic. so i find it almost funny that i am the way i am. it almost disgusts me.
i feel as though i've subconsciously dealt with subtle alienation ever since i was born. little things like being considered "slower" than other children, and being treated slightly different, but not being able to pinpoint what made me so different exactly. when i was a child, i was a walking catastrophe; i would throw tantrums very often, i think. obviously, i've grown out of that sort of behaviour, but i did break my alarm clock on valentines day. i'm sure you can figure out what happened. in fact, there's a significant memory that seems pretty inconsequential i think about often, and i also believe this to be one of my first memories ever:
i'm at school in kindergarten, sitting at the crescent moon table. there's nobody else at said table except for me, since all the rest of the kids are on the floor playing and talking and laughing. the way it worked is that, once you were completed with your little booklet, you were able to do whatever you wanted for the rest of the hour or so. i stared down at my unfinished worksheet—tracing abc's, if i recall correctly—and looked behind me. that was the first time i've ever thought of this common adage that i didn't know i would repeat to myself a dozen times to come; "why am i not like them? what is wrong with me?"
i know it sounds stupid, but i was a terribly sensitive child. i was a crier, a screamer, a tantrum thrower, and a troublemaker. i was only like that because i was in a confusing world that wasn't made for people like me. i was so young when i figured out that there was something about my behaviour that others didn't like; that others felt apprehensive about, like i was a dirty secret. it's not like i was a particularly dejected child, i was actually very happy for the most part. that was just something i was forced to make peace with. a curse i was forced to live with, disguised as a blessing.
at some point in my life i must've taken notice to this, because i would subconsciously find myself masking behaviour others thought was strange to fit in. i'd look around and assess the situation like some sort of robot; "what are others doing?" but because i was awful at picking up on social cues, or just reading the room in general, i would frequently misread things and end up in trouble. i was so blissfully unaware of the world and it's customs, like a newborn elk. i'm embarrassed thinking about how i was, but i guess that means i've improved one way or another.
when i entered high school, i thought it would only make sense that my place would forever be on the outskirts of companionship and what was normal. it would only make sense should everyone avoid me. i would get so close to feeling something, anything, when with someone i could potentially consider a friend, but something always had to get in the way of that. by the time of the second semester in my first year, i had completely given up hope. cut off all contact with my close, long-lasting circle at the time, and just wallowed.
i hate admitting it, but i liked feeling so shunned. when people would whisper about me or give me weird stares i would be miserable of course, but there was a twisted part of me that was delighted at being proved right. as long as i was hated or feared or ignored, i had proof that what i was feeling hadn't been completely detached from reason. two conflicting sides to me wanted to fit in and be normal, and the other wanted to just abandon everything. i did the latter continuously, but it wasn't like that for long.
and, for the first time, i've found somebody i can truly be myself around. i'm not so high-strung, thinking about how well i'm pretending to be human. i feel human when i'm with him. he gazes at me with eyes that don't hate. eyes that don't scorn. eyes that don't fear. i feel so sick thinking about a day when i can't be with him. i just love my boyfriend so much.
this is possibly the most transparent i've been on this site. this is just word vomit. i'm highly emotional. but it's my blog so i do what i want!!!