a whole cake, all for me
sixteen. i felt sick to my stomach just typing that. soon it will be seventeen, eighteen, twenty, twenty-five, forty, seventy-one, and then death. god, i am so scared of death. i'll be honest, i don't get why people celebrate them! birthdays i mean. it's one of those cultural things that you don't really question, like valentines day or boxing day. it's essentially just something you do. a celebration of life, a celebration of what's to come, etc.
i'm pretty sure birthdays used to be considered pagan rituals by the catholic church a long time ago. halloween too. like christmas; it's become so engraved in western society we seldom remember it's the birth of jesus christ. but why does it matter? i like receiving gifts. any gift but this is fine. gifts that don't ruin my life. those gifts i like!
what's so special about sixteen, anyway? i can drive and get a job, so what? sixteen, clumsy and shy, i went to london and i. my favourite songs mention being sixteen a lot. they're really rocking in boston... eccentric, erratic, toys in the bellfree... happiness hit her like a train on a track... lana, how i hate those guys...
i just feel so barren. do i even want a cake this year? it's complicated to want something. in no longer human, yozo said he didn't want anything when asked. he was scared that he angered his father, so he went over and wrote what he wanted on a piece of paper. he didn't actually want what was written down, he just wanted to assuage his father's anger. then he found it the next day, "yozo's mischief" he said.
the story of my birth is pretty funny, actually. my father was convinced that mom had just wet her pants and was extremely reluctant to bring her to the hospital. some things never change, he treats me with the same reluctance, i think. the same exasperation and impatience, of which i recognize in myself too. i'm really too much like my father; sometimes i look in the mirror and my face looks like his, and it freaks me out.
apparently, disney princesses have birthdays too (which i figured was something potentially overlooked by disney, so it surprised me). in sleeping beauty, auroras birthday is extremely important, yet i never found myself wondering when it even was. march 20th, apparently. i feel as though i was cursed the day i was born, too. for me it was like, three fairies loom over the cradle and each bestow three blessings, but they're super evil or something. one gives me my father's anger... one gives me my mother's mood swings... and one gives me autism... beautiful!
why do you think the wicked fairy cursed the princess in the first place? i know some people theorize that it was just a scapegoat to just cause chaos, and thus she wasn't actually very offended, but there's a part of me that thinks that she was somewhat disappointed about it. it's like that in little briar-rose (she plainly states "because you did not invite me..." while giving the curse), so i can only assume it the same for the movie too. being excluded is the worst... i totally get it...
i relate to her somewhat, not getting invited to things and all that. invitations are the most straightforward way my brain can perceive that i'm wanted. i would've absolutely clobbered the blue one. anyway, must've been some uneasiness on each of her birthdays, knowing that their beloved princess would eventually die. pretty dark, when you think about it. might as well be celebrating her death.
i feel conflicted about this. i have a place to belong now, and no other gift holds a candle to a gift such as that. it's my first birthday in a place that feels like home, with people that i feel so calm with. the sweetest sixteen of them all.
goodnight, everyone.