advanced plaque entanglements
yesterday, i was in the car with my mother, and she told me that she was at risk of developing dementia when she grew older. i thought of a rickety old rocking chair, soft like a woven basket. i thought of me, crouched over, holding her tiny wrinkly hands with tears in my eyes, desperately explaining that i was her daughter. i really can't imagine her being old. when you're a child, your parents just always look the same.
"what if you forget about me?" i asked.
"i wouldn't let myself get to that point. i would get a medically assisted suicide."
i thought to myself, i would have to get one too; if they'd let me.
i'm afraid of pain and i'm afraid of death. but there's one thing i'm scared of most. i'm afraid of loss. losing you, losing me, losing my memory. eventually, all the things i hold dear will be taken away from me, along with my life. all of it reduced to naught; that terrifies me. my heart aches for you.
anyway, sorry i haven't written anything in a while, i had exams. it goes without saying that i passed all of them, so i won't dwell on it. eventually, i'll forget high school entirely! the memories i'm so frantically holding onto now will drift away.
dementia is scary. i recently re-listened to the caretaker's everywhere at the end of time—all the way through, in one sitting—and i've been thinking about it too much. the only word i can think of is haunting. it's haunting.
i'm just rambling at this point, but i've noticed my blog post about wanting to die is my most popular one? 9 upvotes at the time of writing this (not like i expect it to get higher). what is wrong with you people? enjoy seeing me suffer? haha