an ode to what i can't say
and to my current friends, and my partner;
thank you. thank you so much. thank you so, so much. without any of you by my side, i would be miserable—a husk, a wil-o-wisp, a souless thing moving about like a sleepwalker. you woke me up, you know? and i can find beauty in the world with as much ease as i feel around you. roses are blooming in every corner of the world, and they bloom when you look at me. when we laugh together, it's truly, truly the happiest i've ever been. for the first time in my life, i don't have to worry about putting up an image, or intentionally hiding parts of myself. i can feel everything. thank you for presenting me with a place where i can truly be welcome.
and my prince charming, i really don't use that pet name lightly; you saved me, you know. i ask of you one simple thing, the only condition this love of mine has—please, never stop being you. the passionate, dorky, and silly you. never stop being the you that enthralls me, fascinates me, and draws me to you. never stop being the you that makes me want to kiss you all over. it's a more valuable thing than you'd might think. the truth is, i'm afraid. i try not to show it too often, but i'm petrified. what if you find someone better than i? what if you leave me? what if i bore you? what if i'm overwhelming? like, if-you-don't-promise-we'll-stay-together-forever-and-ever-and-ever-i'll-kill-everyone-you-love-so-you-have-nobody-else-but-me overwhelming!?
and maybe it's just a testament of my lack of faith in you, or my abundance of insecurity in myself. i don't understand the feeling all too well myself, either. i'm sure you do, you've loved many others before. i myself have never loved much before you, so i don't know what to make of it. perhaps just letting it be is fine. love has no business being scrutinized like this. i don't want to spend what are supposedly the best years of my life bracing for impact, waiting for the day you'll tell me we have to talk, and that you're leaving me. what would i do with myself? who would awaken me as you did? who could even dare of rekindling my heart with joy as you've done?
even if this dream of mine doesn't last forever, even if this just ends up being your average high school romance, i hope you achieve great things. i've been trying to get it through your thick skull for months—you matter. you matter so much. not just to me, but to everyone. everyone loves you. there will be people who scorn, who judge and who bite, but please promise me that despite their hateful eyes you never stop being yourself. don't end up like the cowardly me who forced herself to always conceal what she was. my thanks, my love.
forever and always, m