hermit reversed
i find myself ruminating on this a lot. when i was a child i often thought things like, "why does everyone seem better friends with each other except for me?" and "why does nobody bother to get close to me?" which caused me to feel very lonely. you can only really appreciate people that understand you "a quarter of the way" as it were, if you have people that understand you completely. i learned the hard way that you are the only one that can make that happen.
i grew tired of waiting for people to close that gap themselves, i had completely forgotten what i wanted most. i was a coward staring at some deep chasm in the ground, promising myself i'll jump over it tomorrow. you'll never achieve anything at that rate. i know it sounds slightly clichéd, but y'know. when you want something done so badly sometimes you do nothing at all. excessive desire often times leads to excessive inaction. at least thats how i am.
i was talking with my therapist the other day, and he said something to the effect of, “taking the first step in relationships is very important.” maybe i expect too much of others. who should be the one traversing the distance? me or them? nobody wants it as badly as i do, and maybe that's why seeking it out is so difficult for me.
when you're begging to be let in to some sort of gathering, what do you do? walk in? scream at them from the outside? shatter the windows? break down the door? or simply do nothing at all? how long until your stomach starts to ache for this and that? how do i let you know i want this so bad without using my words? “great edifices, like great mountains, are the work of the ages,” huh? truly? then get up here and see for yourself! otherwise, i shall spit at thee! fie! a curse on you!