i've failed
i remember thinking, "i'm going to be so sad when this ends," and he'd call me crazy. turns out i was indeed crazy, but i was also right. and now it's gone just as i said. and i want it back. and i want to die. he has no use to me now and yet wild horses couldn't drag me away from him. its strange. i was relieved that nothing had changed, but i think that's the most painful thing about it. we were so intimate; thats history that you cannot pretend to forget. and now we are drawn to each other like magnets despite it all.
november will be colder than usual. november will feel like a bad dream. november will be full of waiting. waiting and waiting and waiting. i promise i'll be able to stomach the hurt much better this time, i won't even flinch. i wonder if it will be enough to make him love me again. what can i do? i don't want to hate you — no, i can't hate you. it doesn't matter how you feel about me, all you need to do is go through the motions and say those words i'll beg you to say over and over. just keep me around, would you? are these feelings normal?
the only words i could form in my head were "you've betrayed me."
he said he wouldn't leave. he said he would love me forever. why bring me up just to put me down? why give me hope? i was thinking awful things. awful things that i meant with my whole heart. he needs me. lovers, friends, enemies, it doesn't matter. the only thing both of us can't be is strangers. i gave him what so many others had refused to give — a reason to live unapologetically. soon, he'll realize just how awful life is without me and he'll come back. and the weird thing is, he never really left. i thought he would, but he's still here.
how is everything now? fine. november is cold. december is cold. winter is cold. everything is cold. it's cold with him and it's cold without him. and i'll never feel warmth again. it's all usual things. just how long can i continue like this?
i'm not sure how long it'll take, but regardless of that, i'll be here forever. i'm not sure what we are right now, but i'll be waiting until your ready to come back. and maybe, come some warm june evening, i'll become whole again.