love is a child of bohemia
i feel settled, like this is my home. i don't think it's as simple as "i'm in love with you," since it isn't as simple as just existing. i choose to love as a decision, and that is what makes me feel amazing. words can't get it across, you'll have to walk in my skin.
thinking of an arduous, torrid love doesn't excite me at all; i want to yawn, or run away. that's not to say i'm not a particularly listless person, i would consider myself more passionate than most, i think. risking my sanctuary for a halfhearted love is not what i came here to do. this is subject to change since i'm becoming an adult, but having something as exciting as sex is not something i'd want to do for a while.
despite being kind of roman catholic (i'm like a part-timer, i guess), chastity doesn't really matter to me. my parents never married and they had me while they were still young adults. i legit do not care. it shouldn't be anybody's business in the first place.
before meeting my boyfriend, i thought i couldn't love romantically. due to a multitude of circumstances, i fear i just get like, infatuated with people without any clear goal in mind. i don't want to date them, or kiss them, or have sex with them, my heart just beats really quickly in what i perceived as a signal for what we call a crush. and that sensation was what i commonly associated with that feeling.
i think i was just simply excited. to be fair, this has only happened once or twice—one for a boy, and one for a girl. wouldn't that mean i'm bisexual? i shouldn't think about that too hard. i don't want to think about that too hard.
it's easy to love; you remain stagnant without fail. falling in love changes who you are, and definitely changed me. when i thought i would finally fall in love, i assumed i would allow the world to burst open its roses and beauty sprouting everywhere. it's more like a humble dandelion. if i had a whole garden of them, i could make so many wishes.
later on, getting to know him inside and out, was when i realized just how much i loved him. i don't believe in love at first sight for this reason; infatuation at first sight is definitely a thing, but pure love isn't. and that's how i knew my love was true. the only way i could ever dream of being cured of this deplorable sickness was if i became the next phineas gage.