make yourself comfortable, despair
anyone else scarily accustomed to great amounts of pain, but simultaneously so unprepared to handle it? when you have some sort of outburst, it's extremely difficult to get yourself down from such an emotional high. only two coping strategies work for me, actually—taking a walk or sleeping. those are the only ways i know that work! it's kind of interesting that both take the approach of 'distancing' yourself from your problems. sometimes you're suffering so much so the only decision you really have is to disengage, whether it be physically or mentally.
frequently, i'll think about this kind of paradise in the future—one where i'm able to function properly without any outbursts. "if i was just like everyone else," i'd think, "if i thought like everyone else i would be able to achieve true happiness." and it's funny since, what is happiness without a little misgiving and struggle? everyone always used to tell me that the way i thought was like a blessing, but then i thought it was more of a curse, and now, i'm actually not sure what to make of it. it is what it is, i suppose. happiness isn't the absence of pain, etc etc.
if i had to compare my brain to anything, i would probably choose a house. despair, as it were, has a relatively comfortable and spacious room for herself. she can be pretty annoying sometimes—she blasts loud music and bothers everyone with her antics. but what would it be like without her? why, the room would be empty, and i wouldn't know what to fill the space with anymore. i would start to miss her a ton.
somewhat related to this; one day my mother told me that i "wanted to remain sick," with such conviction and sharpness in her voice, and i was hit with the piercing realization of her accuracy. maybe i do. maybe it's the only explanation for my behaviour—for the way i think. maybe it provides reason. maybe it provides comfort. may be.
it feels as though, beneath my skin, there are tons of sharp things piercing me, threatening to sprout out. that's why you need to treat me like a newborn baby, or maybe more like a bomb. when you graze me slightly without thinking, i might screech in pain and explode and die. for now, do you think keeping a safe distance is best? do as you like. i'm infamous for not seeking out anything for myself anyway. take the backseat in life and see where that takes you! won't take you anywhere you want, since you're not driving!