oh, i just love happy endings
it was dark and shimmering. girls made up their faces and coalesced among themselves with dresses of their own individual rainbow hue, swaying their phones to and fro like fluttering stars, or the flecked essence of fairies in the air. i felt like a princess. i felt like a person. i found myself, the dull, stale light began to flicker for the first time in a while—perhaps since the very moment of my birth.
"dancing is the normal thing to do," i thought, pensively swirling my drink. we were forced to be brought to a different table since the only people seated at ours were solely us—i thought we lucked out! i gazed at the dance floor again. "and look, they're creating one of those dance circles." my boyfriend was sitting just next to me—he was tapping at his phone.
i would've been just fine, wistfully watching everybody have fun, if not for my sudden surge of confidence. i stood up abruptly and dragged him by the wrist, urging him to come with me to become a part of the crowd. what caused this i don't know.
"oh no, i am NOT dancing." he retorted.
i pouted at him wordlessly. "after all the trouble i took inviting you? so thoughtless!" i thought. i actually waited for him to do it first, but he didn't. i ended up practicing what to say and how to look saying it in the mirror for hours. in truth, i was probably more scared than he was. i will count my inviting him first as a small victory for myself, too.
eventually, we kind of awkwardly shuffled to the floor, and we found ourselves on the outskirts of the dance circle. there, over the loud music, a girl took notice of us and shouted excitedly—
"come on in! it's okay!"
inviting us with the most radiant smile a stranger has ever offered me. i don't think i can even describe it with words.
"yeah!" her friend encouraged.
i did not notice i was smiling too—i only looked at her for a moment—it scared me. it scared me, is what it did. i was scared so greatly that a grin appeared on my face. of course i said my thank yous, but my voice wavered as i felt a great piercing sensation in my heart after. inviting. inviting. inviting! me! inviting me! i was at a sort of emotional stalemate!!!!!
her friend made space for us as well. no hatred, no fear, just pure and true excitement and love. along her side, and hers, and everyones, i was clapping joyfully. being happy was the normal thing to do. what she said echoed in my mind, and the potent humming continued. tragically enough, i quickly accepted it would until i eventually perished.
it was like the whole space filled with fog, and something prickled at my eyes and battered at my heart. i considered heading to the bathroom, but i thought that, once alone, i would burst into tears. i was not in the mood to ruin my makeup, or damper the atmosphere we had so carefully built for ourselves.
i continued to think; was it the normal thing to do, to be so kind to somebody like myself? i could never get used to this.
i'm not equipped to handle whatever this is, i thought. whatever this feeling is has no place in my heart. i continued telling myself the same tired phrase, "this is not the development you think this is. this is not a fairytale." i disregarded them for the sake of a happier ending for one such as myself.
i think this is precious to me. forever doesn't exist, and i'm fine with that now. let's forget it all and die with bliss just as normal people do. my heart thumped with the thrilling volition of a rekindled life. incredible, i'm tearing up. never invite me to anything ever again i'm serious.
unlike last time, there was no veil i was required to hide under. now there is no 'hiding' just as there is no 'seeking'. every 'supposed to' in my head seemed to dissipate beneath the setting sun, which glowed through the great window. the commonage seemed to transform into a grand ballroom before my very eyes. it was beautiful.
you and i are already here. and both of us are laughing like wild beasts. stumbling and shuffling and doing what could barely be referred to as 'dancing', all among the dreamlike haze of love. it was so much fun that all my worries slipped my mind.
even if it was just for a second, my crown of thorns had been lifted from my weary head, and i really did learn how it felt to be human. mankind isn't as cruel as one might presume. this curse has made me realize just how beautiful a blessing can be. why do i always think about the end of all that is good in my life? what an idiot i would be doing that, after all that happened.
it sounds foolish to treat this like a large epiphany, but the emotions i felt that night don't compare to anything i've ever felt before. i felt my smudged mascara clinging to my eyelashes and stinging my eyes. and when night fell, i wailed on the car ride home. i wailed, just as i did at the very moment of my birth. i threw my long sleeved, black floral dress on the ground and cried in my undergarments until the dawn came again.