organized religion and whatnot
ever since finally finding happiness i've realized that god is less of a who and more of a what. im hesitant to call myself a roman catholic (like what i was more or less indoctrinated into) since i don't think god is a person. if god is a man of toleration and sickly forbearance, i feel as though that is no different from hell. it's a deeply personal and individual feeling. and a preference.
i know catholics had to worship in private or else the romans would slice them open or burn their churches or something, but am i an awful person for thinking that's the desirable worship practice? every single morning at my school we have to pray. and without fail i always feel nothing. i don't get it why i'm different when i'm actively seeking it out? god gives more stability to those who are already stable. you want to feel allowed to live, so you let god handle the rest, you know?
for me, god is everywhere in the worst and best way imaginable. i don't feel god's presence in a holy way i feel as though he's floating or buzzing at the back of my mind like a hornet's nest or a radiator. in a way i'm kind of glad for that, but it's true that i'm always thinking about him. where is he? some sort of omnipresent divinity... i want some of that action! do i need to be forgiven for the intrinsic sin of my existence? do i need to have an nde or something?
bringing reddit atheism into this i find those who needlessly deny the existence of a 'god' under the basis of 'basic logic' to be funny and ignorant and headache inducing! when discussing the concept of god there's either people that reaaaaally drum into that woe is me, holier than thou mentality or people that claim he isn't real based on a preconceived, juvenile notion of 'science'. and then there are the outliers. i am just a girl with an immutable perversion. i love the thing that makes me whole and i crawl back to it whenever i can. the rapture already happened and we are already in bliss. can't you tell?