respondence
am i delusional or paranoid? a common thing that comes up when i mention this to therapists is, "do you have any evidence to the contrary?" and while i do not, the fears are too persistent and powerful and lie in the smallest of crevices. in these crevices, i find all the hatred in the world. a quick glance, a lackluster message, a figure of speech...
please love me, don't hate me—the thesis of the human race. run out of things that fulfill you? grind your teeth and pray you don't bite anyone without thinking. and in these crevices i continue to find all the hatred in the world. a change of plans, a missed phone call, a rejected invitation... and suddenly you're scum, and i'm scum, and everything just sucks. and the feeling, it persists. the fact is i'd rather get shot in the head than allow anybody to leave me. that should be enough reason to never leave me, ever!
maybe the world really is a constant threat. even random strangers are out to get me! do i have evidence of this? my brain is telling me no and my heart is also telling me no. where is this even coming from? i don't even know why i think this way! they're out to get me, they're out to get me! everyone hates me and wants me dead! i'm acting unreasonably! i'm acting unreasonably! look at me! no, don't look at me!