wanting to die
life seems as though it goes on forever. do you ever want to die because of it?
guilt always sits heavy on my chest like a night terror. what sort of explanation could i offer to those i love if i took my life?
"nobody would care if i died" is a common sentiment you'll hear among the truly depressed, and it's a sentiment i don't share. if i took my own life, i would ruin many lives. and that's precisely why it hurts so much.
i spent many a sleepless night watching the sun go up, and then go down, and then rise up again, and then fall, and then rise, and then fall, and then rise again and then fall again, hoping for the life i have now; the security i have now. everyone was already so ahead of me, and i was too busy frolicking among the roses to care. but now they're dead. i'm dead.
do i feel better writing it down? i'm not so sure. it's like taking a deep breath from the world and putting that into words and publishing it, only to make a habit of swallowing it down until you are handed another sheet of paper.
contrary to what i often say—i don't dislike being alone, in fact i'd prefer it. like most people, i just want somebody to talk to. i dislike being lonely, that's what.
have i mentioned i'm performing the sleeping beauty waltz for my final piano recital? it's almost too fitting, right? everyone knows the story; the king holds a grand celebration for the birth of the new princess. the evil fairy is enraged that she wasn't invited, and curses her so that on the eve of her sixteenth year, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and fall over dead.
however, the lilac fairy is able to remedy the curse so that instead of death, she will fall into a hundred-year sleep, only to be awoken by the kiss of a prince.
i wonder what she dreamt about. i never remember my dreams. do you? the moment i wake up i always forget them. it's interesting how the word "dream" can also mean our aspirations for the future. it could be that i've never really had a dream of my own.
you know, i think i harbour some sort of curse too. i can never be happy, that's what it is. i must've mentioned that, when everyone would sing happy birthday to me, i would screech and sob like a wounded animal.
one day, on my birthday, there was a grand family reunion that we threw yearly for a good amount of time. come dusk, we would put paper lanterns in the sky. when i let go of mine and let it drift up in the night, i wouldn't stop thinking about how the flame would eventually die out and fall someplace.
i never understood how that could be fun.
how could you let go of something that's yours so easily? and for enjoyment no less. it was weirdly melancholy for me, even at what was supposed to be such an exciting family event.
how could you want to lose something with such a bright, lively spark in it?
i held the lantern close to my torso with my tiny arms and looked inside it. i couldn't mistake that fire for anything else, as i recognized it in so many people. so many people that i'm not in contact with anymore.
so many people that never stuck with me. so many people that i never stuck with.
that sheer lack of hope made me want to die.
it really does feel like 100 years has passed. "but what of my prince?" i thought. "isn't it about time i start living like everyone else?"
and after finally finding him—not once upon a dream, but in my mathematics classroom (super dull, right?)—all the happiness he offers me gives way for a new bigger hole eating away at me. not again. what is it i need this time?
of course, i have companionship, and i'm grateful for that. it's just... i don't know, i still feel empty? lonely? exhausted? like i'm still sleeping? somehow, that same feeling of wanting it all to be over creeps up on me once again, just as it did many years ago.
i want to feel the sun on my skin without wanting to commit suicide.
and it may have felt like i had nothing to lose back then, but now i have people. there's people here. there's people here and they love me and welcome me and invite me. am i still dreaming? what the hell is this?