what does god think?
why would jesus die for us? we're all perverts that deserve death. i wouldn't die for me either. i'm awful. i feel guilty always. if i were to commit suicide, who would be at the scene of the crime other than god himself? i'm a cursed, botched creature. i starve and cut and starve and cut until i pass out. i still want to love others and i try to stay out of drama. i pray every day. if i'm anything short of a good, polite, accomplished girl, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself. i want to die. i want to die so bad. what does god think about this?
god's deafening silence is more than i can bear. i love god, i really do. or rather, i want to love god. it's hard to love someone absent. maybe god was only created in the image of man to cope with our fears; and those who experience the "divine" are just schizo. i destroy my body—god's own creation and temple—without thought. if that's really a sin, then i won't ask for forgiveness. i won't ask to be forgiven for something outside of my control. i didn't ask for this. if given the option, i would gladly cure myself. but unfortunately, god is not the be all end all of our problems. he's not a doctor, or a therapist, or somebody to consult. our struggles mean nothing to a god. he just likes watching us squirm.