why i relate to the phantom so much
why do i relate to the phantom so much? asking me this question is just as loaded and nuanced as, like, asking me about my stance on god. you want to know what we all have in common, collective humanity? an ache for belonging. rejection is another sure-fire way to bring about pain and suffering, i'm the ceo of rejection sensitive dysphoria, by the way.
anyway, i wouldn't consider myself gifted at all. every time someone attempts to explain music theory to me, i have to pretend i understand everything they're saying to me. i play one note on the violin and i collapse due to exhaustion. i was not alienated nor scorned nor chased out with pitchforks by everyone around me (though it does feel like that at times) (i'm being dramatic). i'm not whatever the post-napoleonic france equivalent of an incel may be. but one cool thing is that i am handicapped by soooo many disorders. it just gets worse from here.
what of perpetual childhood alienation? o.k., so, when i was a child, there was always a vague feeling of unbelonging. something like, "i really don't think like these people..." but not in a "i'm better than everyone here" kind of way, more like a "wow. i am not normal at all" kind of way. always having that "there's something that's preventing me from being normal, i just don't know what it is" feeling floating around my brain at all times wasn't that fun, actually.
if you really think about it (more than necessary) the phantom of the opera is just about autism. well, my autism at least. there is a reason why it's called "masking" right? i found myself copying what others did from a young age in a desperate attempt to fit in. i was unnaturally hypervigilant, with weird intervals of social aloofness—that's when i would get "unmasked" as it were. my expressions i wore on my face were not natural to me, i forced myself to look people in the eye, and thats what scared me the most. i didn't like what i saw. i saw contempt. and the like.
and that's why i idealized this angel that would come and make me feel loved; some sort of perfect person that wouldn't judge me for anything at all. that's why i went crazy when people showed interest in me without getting "scared away" by my "face". is it you? or is it you? when will i find that person? a person that knows no fear? or rather, knows every inch of it from the top of their head to the tips of their toes, yet doesn't find it in me whatsoever? i never really thought of there being a place where i truly belonged. until now, that is. and i'm happy.